Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 07:31:36 GMT

....i love you <3

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 23:21:08 GMT

The problem with a lot of things, is you make friends that are really bad for you.

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 22:16:18 GMT

A-
C+
B-
B-

2.835 GPA.
First semester of college.

I didn't lose my scholarship, and I have a B average apparently.

I think it's alright.

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 01:45:37 GMT

You Cunt.

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 22:06:12 GMT

San Diego in T- minus 24 hours <3

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 07:11:34 GMT

You can be as passive aggressive as you want.
I don't care, yo.

Sorry that you're mad that I don't care.

You weren't a very good friend anyway, and this should have ended long ago, come to think of it.

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 05:11:54 GMT

http://dementiasylum.livejournal.com/36787.html

It has been three years today.

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 07:41:41 GMT

http://ellavalon.tumblr.com/

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:12:20 GMT

So, who gets round trip plane tickets from Florida to San Diego for $35?

I love you sometimes, Uncle Ray. You and your crazy frequent flier miles.

I'm coming home in 20 daysss:)

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 05:23:45 GMT

I am so disgustingly in love with you, i cant bear to see you go.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 03:18:06 GMT

I think I lost the ability to paint when my mother died.

I have noticed that ever since I have not been able to paint a single picture that doesnt suck.
They used to be amazing, but now, i just cant do it.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 01:30:16 GMT

I still feel disgusting.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 05:40:34 GMT

Everyone wants someone to love.

But not us, never us.

College is a stressful and pretty painful time.

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 17:36:08 GMT

"This is a very climactic time of year for you, elizabeth, and you may feel as if many difficult issues are coming to a dramatic head. As a result, you may start lashing out and snapping at people who do not deserve such treatment. Your actions may be over the top, making the issues at hand even more difficult to deal with. The key today is to bring more balance into your life - especially emotional balance. By bringing your feelings under control and stabilizing them, you can better deal with whatever difficult external issues come your way."

"Your Horoscope - Today, September 14, 2009
This is a very climactic time of year for you, elizabeth, and you may feel as if many difficult issues are coming to a dramatic head. As a result, you may start lashing out and snapping at people who do not deserve such treatment. Your actions may be over the top, making the issues at hand even more difficult to deal with. The key today is to bring more balance into your life - especially emotional balance. By bringing your feelings under control and stabilizing them, you can better deal with whatever difficult external issues come your way."

weird.

that is EXACTLY right.

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 19:09:26 GMT

Nothing is ever the same as you best love.

I guess ill always love you, but you will never love me again.

That's fine i suppose, i dont mind continuing on by myself, its all ive eer done and always will continue to do.

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 20:06:09 GMT

I love you, and I was so happy to see you...
but now I'm a wreck.

I miss you terribly.

I want my love back.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 05:32:08 GMT

Sucks.

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 03:47:06 GMT

1 week.
I'm excited, I guess. I don't know what to expect, I guess I will hope for the best.

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 21:39:31 GMT

Eff you, aunt karen and uncle ray, for permanently screwing up my breathing.

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 05:45:01 GMT

So I have been in Florida for almost a week now.

And I can only really say a few things regarding college:

Fuckin amazing.

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 18:50:04 GMT

I wish I was leaving right now. I don't want to wait until August 14th.

Ugh.

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 19:25:51 GMT

Last night was amazing.

I haven't been drunk in almost three years.

Awesome:)

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v280/florida_rox156/Summer%202009-%20First%20year%20of%20college/

Kim's bday party, 18th!

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 17:01:09 GMT

I am going to become a rather big bitch. Only because I am so tired of being nice to everyone and then getting their stupid problems in my life in which i do not care to hear about. I am not going to lie and say I dont have time for them because I am sure I do, but God, people are annoying. I am so sick of people who do not think about anything, who research nothing, who don't care about politics because it "doesn't matter" "it's boring" and "it will all go back to normal if and when another president takes over". NOT SO, ACTUALLY. Cause we will be paying back that couple 'a trillion dollars till I have great grand-children. So much for being successful, yes? But that is not even the point. My point is, I am tired of those who don't think and take everything at face value, I am tired of people who drink their days away instead of trying to make some sort of difference for themselves or others or the greater good, I cannot stand people who mope around about their lives constantly without taking a big look at the world around them and realizing that they are not the only ones. I am sick of people who use too many goddamn semicolons; , people who use too many hyphens -, and talk about DRAMA AND HATERS all the time. I sit and think where all of us would be without a few people who got together and thought about common sense and the good that would ensue for future generations, hundreds of years to come. I wish that people took a look around them and realized that their life is not in an ipod, that their cellphone will deteriorate, their computers will die and all that goddamned rap music will eventually fade out of style. What matters is not what we have or don't have but what we do with the tools we are given, but it hurts to see that so many don't wish to do anything with their tools, so they sit, moaning, with their hands open waiting for a free lunch and guidance. We were once brought together by one great dream of independence, innovation, and freedom of choice, but what are we now? a bunch of bumbling idiots that let a man and 535 people decide our futures? What are we now?
Where will we be?

Why won't anyone open their eyes and begin to care?
When?

Perhaps when it is too late to care anymore.

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 03:14:18 GMT

32 days until i get to florida for the first time in 30 months, almost three years.
How...strange.

This will be very odd for me, yet wonderful.

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 18:35:11 GMT

It all can continue to spin around. The same way it was before, the same way it continues to be, how I wish i could not fit hate into my heart.

You continue to try and push yourself back into my life, because you know part of me will accept you with open arms.
I just cannot, and you know this.

I may have hurt you but you hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me, in such an unforgivable manner...I understand WHY you did what you did, but how? Why did you have to go about it that way?
I have spent a year wracking my brain for reasons, for excuses, you say "STOP TRYING TO FIGURE ME OUT" but I can't be your friend unless we understand each other.

What you don't understand is that my life has sucked, I have been surrounded by untrustworthy people my whole life and you are no exception. You proved to me that love for another in my situation is totally pointless.
You cheated, lied, hid things, and ran away when stuff got hard. How can i be your friend?
How can I have love for you, again?
Yes, your last girlfriend may have done it so easily, but she wanted you back. I never want you back. Ever.
You assume that my confusion was due to my lust and love for you and that I could not live without you, because of course, no one can, right?

I can't just FORGET everything, Jeremy.
I can't forget what you did...I can't just start over like Karen did. She spent years of her life on your teases and lead ons, and to an extent she is still sucked in. She will eternally be nice to you because she cannot live without you.
But I can.
I don't need you to function.
I hate how you assume I need you to function.

You won't call me, so I can't explain anything to you.
Part of the reason I'm so mean to you is because you won't speak to me for weeks or months unless I'm mean. You don't respond to texts unless I am a horrible bitch to you.

You take advantage of my soft spot for you.

We were going to get 'married' on october 10th, 2010. When that day comes I'm not sure what I'll do, but I know we won't be getting married.

But what you don't get is that I am defensive because you hurt me...over and over and over again. You used me.
YEA, you moved across the country for me.
You didn't have to.
But that was it...you used that against me when I got upset that I ALWAYS had to pay, that you never took me on a date...i always took you somewhere and you never said thanks. When i got upset you would throw the I MOVED FROM MY FAMILY FOR YOU. Do you know how much that hurt me? I knew you came here, for me, and i loved you so much...which is why i wanted to protect you.
Your friends told me to keep you safe on your birthday, make sure you dont do drugs. When you told me your dad sent you money for the first time, i felt like it was my duty to help keep you clean and off all that stuff and when i saw you falling back into it i didnt know what to do.
I never knew what to do.

I was barely 17 and living with people who hated me, who I hated, people who hated you and didnt even know you, and everything was wrong.
You had no idea how bad everything was, and you abandoned me when i needed you most.
You could have left and then still provided me with some kind of support.
You could have called me and let me know shit was gonna be OK.
You could have been my friend, all those times I called you, all those times I wanted to be friends.

But no.
You have to wait till I am almost back to Florida, when I have tried to heal all wounds, when I was trying to move on.
You think that I can just go running back to you, even as a friend?
That I can forget how you abandoned me and cheated on me and i know you did because there were pictures...How can i forget being told by a bunch of druggies that you did that?
How can i forget the things you said to me after you left?

You said it was because you were hurting...but could you imagine how i felt?
And every time i think about it i remember calling you on the day of mothers funeral. I just wanted you to talk to me and tell me you were here for me.

But you were not there for me.
You were high as always and couldn't wait to get off the phone.
You only loved me after my mother died.
And that's how I have always felt.

Your kind words can't make me feel love for you anymore because I remember all the hurtful things you did, all the times you told me to go away and that you hated me...when I was begging you for help.

I am only sorry for hurting you, but not for my actions after you left.
I hate how you assume I will need you forever.
I am my own person, and you mistake everything.

I cannot be friends with you unless I know that you genuinely UNDERSTAND WHAT you did.
I cannot hurt myself again in your name.

I wrapped up our whole relatioship in a box, and since you OBVIOUSLY are the stronger person, I have it to give to you, for five seconds, and that will be the last i ever see you, ever.
Unless you show me otherwise, that I can trust you.

I am not sorry, and this is the last I wish to say to you.
If you want to be friends, you need to show me that you're trustworthy.
I only go nuts because I feel as if youre playing games with me, and im tired of games.
Im tired of everything.
I dont have to be nuts, but you dont have to keep trying to get under my skin.

Stop throwing me stupid compliments, I am not a toy, and I am not a kid, I am a person and I will always be Elly...but you're right, I have tough skin.
If you care about a friendship, maybe you should work harder at making that work instead of forcing me to forget all the bullshit you did.

Goodbye, and this is all I have to say.